It's New Year's Eve where I am and while I sit and contemplate my intentions and what I require for 2019, I also spend time reflecting and giving thanks for what I received from 2018. This past year, I wrote down my money requirements. Yes, I write down requirements for everything. And one of the requirements I had for my money this year, is to pay for 3 international vacations for my family and I. And I can happily and proudly confirm, that my money fulfilled my requirements and then some. I've traveled to 8 places. I am a single mom, and the universe always gives me more than what I ask for. And I am deeply grateful to experience the infinite abundance this magical cosmos delivers and offers. So, what are your money requirements for 2019? Write them down.
Are you running a business or a charity?
Are you independently wealthy or did God/dess tell you to live in poverty?
Are you a volunteer? Or is this a hobby?
Do you value free work or expect others to work for free? Slavery.
Then stop running on empty. Giving endlessly/blocking receptivity. Money is just: energy, an exchange of energy, a token of appreciation, time and energy. The cycle of income and outcome fuels the economy. Only when we are full can we give more. Only when we are supported can we support others. Only when we grow, can we assist growth in others.
Money is growth - money is energy - energy is currency. Take your work seriously. No more donations - claiming starvation. No more subsidies - pay utilities. Doing what you love/serving humanity does NOT mean: suffering/sacrificing and struggling. Kindness is not gullibility. Know who you are. You know who you are.
First solo vacation in seven years… Sedona is a special place. I planned to do some writing here but as my wise son reminded me, “mommy, you don’t need to do any writing, you know? You can go and just be.” I looked at him as I often do… you’re right son, you’re right. Let me let go of any plans and just be in the flow. So, I’ve been on a rock/crystal walking/climbing meditation for the past few days. That was after a 2hr drive from the airport with no music. Just me talking to myself in different accents. I used to do that all the time; entertain myself talking aloud. Laughing at myself, about myself, talking complete nonsense.
Water erodes rocks. So do footsteps. I spent the last few days following foot steps. I found myself marching to the vortex at first. And after the first hour, I decided to slow down… slow down before you break down. Learn to rest. Take your time, and honor every step. It’s not about getting to the vortices. Everything can be a meditation. Stop focusing on the outcome, the result and just be present, in each moment. I hiked/walked/climbed for another 4hrs. I wouldn’t have been able to do 5hrs if I had rushed through it all. And because I watched my every step, I saw crystals glisten from the ground., sparkling like angel dust. I saw massive ravens fly above my crown and call to me. Representing magic, courage, healing, divination, rebirth, wisdom, shapeshifting. They are the master magicians carrying messages from the divine. They have the ability to find light in darkness.
My toes were bleeding after the 1st day, from the friction of my toenails. Note to self: file down the corners! I pushed out my aura in my hotel room to cleanse it of other people’s energy and slept soundly. When I woke, I could hardly walk. It was a reminder of how lazy I’ve become, driving everywhere in Los Angeles will do it. At least, that is my excuse. I went to seven vortexes. I felt energy moving in a clockwise direction in my left palm, surge up my arm, pass through my heart center, travel down my right arm and pulsate out of my right palm while my crown opened wide like a flicker of a fan. At another vortex, I felt information download into my left palm and out of my right palm and my 3rd eye pulsated. At another, it cleansed my solar plexus and fluorescent colored shells cascaded before my eyelids. Sacred geometry. But the strongest, most potent, was the medicine wheel. Possibly millions of ceremonies held by shamans and medicine wo/men have been performed at the medicine wheel. Just a bunch of rocks… but once I stood in the middle of it - wow - the energy made my head spin and nearly knocked me off my feet. It was extremely intense.
This whole place is an energy vortex and it is possible, if you’re not sensitive to energy, to not feel a thing. Some people visit the vortices and don’t feel anything. You have to tune into it. Just like anything in life. You gotta drop into it. It’s subtle. But if you allow the energy to move through you - move you - it will. Just like anything in life. You gotta receive it and allow it to penetrate. And it goes in deep. I am still vibrating, circulating, pulsating… and I stopped 3hrs ago.
I ate juniper berries. I learned that Walt Disney found his inspiration from the prickly pear cactus here, to create Mickey Mouse. I also learned that if the trunk of a Juniper tree is twisted, it’s an indication that it’s on a vortex. Some vortices have masculine energies, some have feminine energies, some have both. Every vortex is different and they are all magical. I came here to relax. And I leave, sore all over, but super charged by Earth’s electrons and magnetic field. I also learned that: some of the most tumultuous paths, lead to the most stunning views… Just like anything in life.
Thank you, Sedona.
I used to think to have world-famous parents meant life is easy for you and you've already made it, how lucky. Till I met a client who has a world-famous father and has struggled most of her life and when asked to borrow some money from him just once, he had his lawyers draw up a contract with increasing interest rates. She never asked for his support again.
I use to think to look like a supermodel meant life was a dream and you've already made it, how lucky. Till I met a client who can't stand the way she looks and said it's a curse - not because she thinks she's ugly - but because people have always told her she's dumb but looks good so now she's in a career she hates because she feels she is not capable of doing anything else while being plagued with traumatic memories of a violent father and bipolar mother.
I used to think winning an Oscar meant you've made it and everything else is gravy. Till I met a client who's won 2 Oscars but feels absolutely nothing for winning them because of a lifetime of being emasculated and never speaking up for himself so he's completely shut down and disconnected.
I used to think people who've attended ivy league schools have made it, how lucky. Till I met a client - a Yale graduate with stage 4 breast cancer who was drugged and raped in Yale as her first sexual experience; where the men chanted, "no means yes! Yes means anal!!" And to this day, she is haunted by that memory.
I used to think being born into wealth meant you've made it and life must be easy. Till I met a client who's a recovering alcoholic, born into wealth, but has spent a lifetime compounding and manifesting more shame, from being molested as a child and lacks confidence, ambition and even a drive to live.
It's easy to assume that people who have what you want, have made it. And I'm not saying don't go for it - by all means - do. But y/our definition of "making it" may not be the thing that gives you what you are looking for. And while it's true, not every story is like this, these clients have specifically come into my life to shed light, ignorance, and naivety. Thinking others have it easy is just another form of victimhood mentality. Maybe "making it" is just liking who you are. Maybe it's being okay with where you're at. Maybe it's having loving relationships. Maybe it's having good health. Whatever your definition is - May we all feel like we've made it.
As I drove my son to school this morning, he expressed how much he longs for Fridays, because it's the end of the school week. That he's just bored till Fridays. So, I had him do a quick exercise as I drove.
"Look at that man with his pug, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at that Disney poster, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at those birds sitting on the wire, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at all the green lights, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at those trees, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at all the traffic up ahead, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at that fire cloud over there, how does that make you feel?"
"Look at how blue the sky is, how does that make you feel?"
"From moment, to moment, we feel different emotions. There is no need to wait till Friday, or Halloween, or your birthday, or another day in the future, to be awake, to be present. Don't waste your life away, waiting for Fridays."
Getting a spiritual six pack is the same as getting a physical six pack.
Some people ask "how long will it take?"
Well, if you work out once, will you get strong abs? No.
If you work out only when you are down and out, will you get strong abs? No.
If you work out, say, once a month, will you get strong abs? No.
What if you consistently worked out to achieve the abs you wanted and got the abs you wanted, then stopped working out for a few months? What would happen?
1 ice cream won't make you fat. 1hr of exercise won't make you fit. 1 session won’t cure you.
The only way to achieve the results you want with anything in life, is consistency. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional, psychic or spiritual. If you want a spiritual six pack, stay consistent.
When I first moved to LA almost 16yrs ago, plenty of well-intentioned people gave me advice on how to survive Los Angeles and all I heard was: be everything you're not. I was so impressionable in my 20s that I took it all in and lost myself. I became confused.
But it didn't start there. I've spent many years abandoning myself. As a young child, I wanted to be more like my favorite pop stars, more like my favorite actors, even my favorite characters in films/books. I wanted to look more like (fill in the blank), I wanted to live like (fill in the blank), I wanted to be like my favorite teacher, I wanted to be like the cool kid at school, and I forced myself to be an extrovert - to be liked - when really, I'm an introvert. I didn't even know I was an introvert for the longest time. Sad but true. I wanted to be everyone but me.
I became so disoriented/overwhelmed in LA with who I "should" be that eventually, I just gave up on being anything and anyone. Just be me. And that's when I started to thrive. That's when my life changed. Once I stopped abandoning myself. Once I accepted that I am enough, just as I am. That's when I experienced peace and confidence. It hasn't been time wasted as I've experienced/discovered/grown/matured. But it was a long and roundabout way of arriving back at myself... I no longer put people on pedestals. It creates the illusion that others are more important or better or more special. It creates separation. Inferiority and insecurity comes from the ego too.
And just like me, each and everyone of you/us - are enough. Just as you are. Yes, you. May this share, bring you peace. None of us came here to be a copy, a duplicate, a wannabe. May you be, who you came here to be and bless the world with your beingness. Love you.
Podcast now available: my reluctant journey of becoming a healer, being terrified of spirits as a child, how divorce showed me my strengths, how my son forced me into my purpose, receiving my first apology from my dead father during an ayahuasca ceremony in the Amazon jungle, subconscious hacking, healing kids through their parents, shadow aspects, signs from the Universe and much more.
Thank you, Ruby Mercado and Kathryn Chaya Lubow for sharing my story.
You can also find the podcast on iTunes here.
Recently, an extended family member threw a tantrum and demanded I support her. When I gave her my options, she refused my offer and demanded more. I reminded her that my support is offered, not required or demanded. And my ego got offended. Really offended.
During meditation, what was revealed is that it's simply my ego. Her coming from a place of lack triggered my sense of lack. My not supporting her enough triggered my not doing/being enough. And I was reminded: I am enough. And so is she. I am fully supported. And so is she.
When I asked to console with my soul, I heard "allow all that is." Of course that's what the soul would say. Of course that is the way through the ego walls and blindness. For the ego will make us blind to our souls calling.
For the soul, there is no right or wrong. There are no limitations or restrictions. The soul doesn't get offended for it allows all that is. It just is. And lets it be, whatever it is. My reaction and response to my ego is in fact unnecessary. Hold space, and allow all that is. And may peace be your boundary.
I'm teaching my son that it's okay to feel all of his feelings. That we as humans get to experience a vast array of emotions. We label them as "good" or "bad" but they are neither. They are just feelings. All they want is to be acknowledged and felt. And when we hold space to feel, they move through us like passing clouds... and all is well.
Part of the human experience is to feel. So let the feels feel. No need to hold on, maintain, sustain or repress or deny. I share with him that many people have problems when they reject their feelings: Their human experience. And he doesn't need to do that.
Crying is not weak. Crying is simply a release of emotions. A purge. We cry when we are sad, we cry when we are happy. We cry when we are in pain, we cry when we are enraged. We cry when we are afraid. We cry when we are overjoyed, overwhelmed, ecstatic, moved, inspired. It's okay to cry. It's part of the human experience. And he is a beautiful human.
Attending your ex-husband and girlfriend's baby shower is not the easiest decision to make. Pride and ego kicks in. We tell ourselves, it's fair to feel hurt: resentment, anger, shame. It's too weird to go and a thousand other victim stories and outdated beliefs that serve nothing but the ego. But when we as women choose to be the kind of woman who shows up for other women, we break the cycles of our ancestors and create new (healthier) patterns for ourselves and a new freedom for our descendants. It's a win-win for all. And I'm so honored to show up and support Dionna Chambers who graciously helps raise and shape my son's future. I'm grateful for this opportunity to give (and show) my ex and his girlfriend my blessings. I'm proud to be a woman who lifts other women up. And I get to be the type of woman who inspires me. In this action, in this choice, I get to to live an inspired life and be the kind of woman I've always wanted to be. And last but not least, I get to set myself and her free.
Loneliness has nothing to do with partnership and everything to do with relationship with the self. Loneliness comes from an accumulation of abandoning, rejecting, neglecting the self. Not listening, not valuing, not honoring the self: your truth. Loneliness cannot be cured by others. If you find yourself wanting a relationship because you are lonely, it is best to fill your own "love bucket" by doing all the things you want to do, for yourself. When you become responsible for your wholeness and completion, you will no longer attract others who abandon, reject and neglect you. You won't need them to compensate that which you refuse to do for yourself. For everyone mirrors your relationship with your self. The cure for loneliness is you, and no other. Whatever it is you want a partner to do for you - you get to do it for yourself.
When we talk about dimensions of consciousness, we are not speaking about different places and locations but rather a level and/or state of consciousness. A so called different wavelength from which you are operating on or from.
1D: A line. Length and distance. Time, light, photon.
2D: Space-time, length, distance, width. Shadows. Differentiation/yin yang, analogue/universal opposites, illusion, interpretation, sub-atomic, awareness, conscious mind.
3D: Space-time-gravity, length, distance, width, depth, height, volume. Identity. Physical, past, present, future. Separation, matter. Events become reality. Awareness of conscious, subconscious, unconscious minds. Survival. You versus me. Blame and shame. A belief in having good or bad luck. Survival of the fittest attitude. Identifying yourself by the way you look, the job you have, the car you drive and the people you surround yourself with. Social status is important. Fearful of missing out, not having enough, not enough to go around, life is a competition. A belief that money brings happiness and fulfillment. That thoughts have no power and that manifestations are just a coincidence. There is no desire to dig deep or look beyond the surface. Consciousness is in the head.
4D: A gateway/acts as a portal to 5D. Astral plane. Astral travel/projection, lucid dreaming, déjà vu. A belief that there are many versions of reality and many versions of the self. Parallel Universes/realities, many lifetimes, past/present/future lives. Many worlds and possibilities. Energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed. An idea that we are all connected and there is more to life than the physical eye can see. A belief that thoughts are powerful, that thoughts can shift our reality. Duality is experienced, so is compassion and understanding. A desire to find your purpose. Diet and meditation become important. Having an awareness of the environment and how we affect what’s around us. Following your passions for life is meant to be enjoyed. Being worthy of pursuing your dreams. Using your 6th sense/intuition. Seeking deeper meaning to life. Seeing the magic and miracles of the Universe. Consciousness in heart. Can rearrange DNA.
5D: Beyond time and space. Spirit world. Many dimensions, powerful choices; choices manifests. Manifestation. An understanding that we are all one and all connected to each other, plants and other galaxies. Love and compassion. Being guided and listening to the guidance in all situations. Knowing that everyone is on their journey. Living your truth and being authentic. Experiencing joy. No competition as there is enough to go around for everyone. Using all your clairs (clairvoyance, clairsentience, clairaudient, claircognizant, clairalience, clairgustance). A connection to angelic beings, oneness with the Universe/God. Consciousness in heart and soul. Can connect with twin flame instantly if you so choose.
6D: Realizing the self as creator. Using thought to manifest (no need to use choices).
7D: Realizing there are many creators. Desires manifest. (no need to use thought).
6D & 7D: Miracle space. A frequency beyond karma; releasing karma. Acting as a conduit. Time travel. Re-writing blueprints. Unity consciousness. Light beings, transmitters of light. The ability to create harmony in any situation. All that is. Time is not measured or linear; time is timeless. Pure unconditional love, no fear. Divine intention. Oneness with the Universe/God. The God within. It has its own intelligence. The 6D power of intention is so divine, it cannot be misused in any way. Healing with 6D cannot be used on people without their permission. A respect of free will. Feeling spaces, being spaces. Love, peace, truth, empowerment. This consciousness can affect Earth if practiced by groups of people. Ascended masters.
8D: Many universes, multi-verse.
9D: All that is.
10D: The impossible becomes possible.
8D, 9D & 10D: Return your energy to source. The ability to merge with those in your soul group, travel to different galaxies, reincarnate back to Earth or other star systems. The soul can choose to continue moving up to higher levels of consciousness. Realm of the angels. Infinite possibilities.
11D: Beyond possibility. Possibility does not exist.
12D: Consciousness, source, prime creator. Single creator of everything.
13D: Many prime creators, infinite dimensions, infinite realities.
For ten days, seven of us immersed ourselves in the Amazon jungle in Peru to disconnect from City life and reconnect ourselves in a way that we have never experienced before.
Growing up, I always said “If my life doesn’t work out – I will go live in the jungle.” Those who knew me well would scoff at my comment, but I meant it. It was my escape clause and a fantasy that remained in the back of my mind; within reach. And I was about to get a taste of it.
After traveling for a whole day: by cab, two planes, one tuk-tuk, a boat, another tuk-tuk, we finally arrived at Selva Madre Retreat, off the Nanay River, near Iquitos. There was no electricity, no wifi, no shower, no toilet seat, no flush on the toilet, no windows, no AC, no fans, no lights, no outlets,
no hair dryers, no candles.
There was also: no freeways, no traffic, no cars, no buildings/stores/malls, no sirens, no car alarms, no helicopters, no barking dogs, no bills, no responsibilities…
And there was the diet… sugar/salt free, no alcohol, caffeine, meat, sex; including masturbation.
This is the Ayahuasca diet. This plant medicine is ‘jealous’ and likes a clean system.
Within a few hours, we were embarking on our first ceremony. And I was scared. Will it be too difficult, hard, challenging? Will my demons defeat me? Will I survive? What if I can’t cope?
What if I go mad?
Sitting in a hut, in the dark, with eleven people, I set my intention “Salute Maestro,” and gulped down the Ayahuasca. “Oh, I know this taste. I’ve had this before.” It brought me some comfort knowing I experienced this in a past life. But I don’t remember if it was good… or bad…
I heard that you purge out of both ends… A bucket was provided for each person for the vomit. The toilets outside was for the diarrhea. The toilets that had no doors, no lids, no flush and no lights. “Stay inside the temple. Stay inside the temple. Stay… inside…”
Shaman Don Luis Rimachi, (A.K.A. Don Lucho) started whistling… I didn’t know this; but there is whistling… and there is whistling… The kind that is so powerful, it moves you to tears. His sound hit me right in my heart center and tears escaped my eyelids. Wow… what was this sound that totally mesmerized me? Here I am, in the Amazon jungle, with my mom and friends, doing Ayahuasca with a Peruvian Shaman who has a degree in: whistling. It is really happening. I am really here.
And the jungle surround sound was – electric.
Don Lucho and his two Shaman apprentices started singing the Icaros and shaking the Chacapa leaves. And that’s when I had my past life recollections… I was a sex slave, sold as a whore, performing in front of a jeering crowd. I was a flying creature bigger than any bird, flying over fields. The pigeons below, eating off the grass – seemed tiny to me. I was a dancing courtesan in a castle owned by royalty. I morphed into a huge serpent… Then galloping wildly on horseback: I was a Mongolian Warlord. I was a witch, ugly and deformed… And finally, I was tied to a wooden cross with rope, about to be burned to death in front of an audience.
Quite the performer, it seemed. It all made sense.
Geometric shapes morphed, zoomed and shape shifted. The graphics were intricate, elaborate and stunning. This, is journeying… this, is incredible… I became overwhelmed by the love I felt from my family and friends. Why don’t I let them love me more? Why don’t I let the love in? Why didn’t I trust that I would be okay? I was hit with nausea. Am I going to purge? Please stay in this hut; this temple. Don’t let me shit myself, is all I ask. I may not make it outside to the toilet. And I’m wearing all white.
I heard one would have a ‘gentler’ experience wearing all white. I thanked Mother Ayahuasca for being gentle with me. I felt a blockage in my solar plexus… but it didn’t want to come out.
Later that night, as I laid down to sleep, my mind journeyed again. Thank you for not shitting yourself… I fell asleep with a smile on my face, amazed that I was tripping again.
Oh, these wonderful geometric shapes…
The Cockerels crowed at 3am and 5am. The diet was bland. We weren’t eating for pleasure, but out of necessity. Diet is very important. Breaking it causes the medicine to stop working.
We were to process the medicine all day… and all night…
Food was served at 7am, 12pm and 7pm. On ritual nights, dinner was omitted. What did we do all day? Nothing. Or so it seemed. We laid in the hammock room listening to the jungle sounds and talked about life. Living. Not living. Plans, goals, desires, our differing experiences. We bathed in the creek to lower our temperatures. Ayahuasca brings heat to the head. It’s best to stay out of the sun today. Just spend the day processing.
I’m just happy and relieved that I made it through stellar fashion. And it was way more subtle than I had imagined it to be. She was kind to me the first time. And I know every ceremony is different.
I prepared to get my arse kicked.
For my second ceremony, I was to let love in, know peace and beyond,
connect to my ancestors, and purge my past lives…
A Cheshire cat grin from ear to ear, remained on my face all night. What was I smiling about? Just random thoughts. Thoughts about busting out the Yoga, about the jungle goblin: Chutachak. I must not waste this ritual on silly thoughts, I must focus on the goal. But I can’t stop smiling… I want to do Yoga. I want to laugh out loud. I want to dance. I want to rave! I want to move and stretch.
Maybe have sex – no – don’t go there. Definitely no sex.
I wonder if the Shamans have sex on this. It must be incredible…
I see a Native American girl with two long braids, wearing a suede outfit, dancing with her arms out as if she’s a plane… I see a yellow/golden snake slither up by my face, but I remain calm. For some reason, I know it’s not there to harm me. I see ants turn into termites and fly away… A flying dinosaur made of metal/iron in a metal/iron environment… I know it is a future alien. And I am part of that future alien world. I saw parts of kid’s toys… partial merry-go-round… Just for kicks, I ask “What is my purpose in life?” A Lego man wearing a royal blue top, with no hair, laying on a recliner, turns his head to face me. He has a wavy mustache. I burst out laughing. A lego man??
What am I supposed to do with that? I can’t stop grinning… so ridiculous.
Let’s get serious and do the work here… the effects don’t last that long.
I need to purge my past lives… I’m nauseous. Please don’t make me shit myself, please. I locate where the blockage is: my solar plexus. Again, no purging tonight. Others are in and out of the temple heaving all over the jungle. Their vomiting falls into alignment with the jungle soundtrack. Mother Ayahuasca, you don’t need to be this gentle with me tonight.
I can handle this. I got it. Let me have it.
The ceremony ends… We all leave the temple and head back to our rooms. Walking outside I find myself stumbling like a drunken fool. I tilt at the hip and vomit. Yellow, golden liquid shoots out of my mouth. No food. I’m puking up bile. Hard and fast. My solar plexus releases and opens up… Ahh, there’s the release. I feel better. Actually, I feel pretty damn good. This, is pretty cool.
I fall asleep without journeying.
My skin loves this tropical heat. My skin loves humidity. But there’s no escaping the heat. The only relief is pouring cold river water over myself in my concrete shower cubicle. I’m not a sweaty person, but within 40 minutes of having my cold rinse – beads of sweat trickle down my torso.
Everything’s damp. All the clothes, the bedding, even the wood used to make the huts are moist. Everything smells damp too. But my skin loves this weather – and the mosquitoes love me. Four different repellents do nothing to protect me. I become part of the food chain…
The heat is punishing. And it’s only May. Even the locals cannot tolerate the summers here. Seeing and playing with Woolly Monkeys made everything okay. Kids swim in/drink from the Amazon river. There are big, beautiful butterflies everywhere. I saw the most delightful creature: a pygmy Marmoset. The smallest monkey in the world… and I touched the largest snake in the world – the Anaconda… The most surprising was the Sloth. I never realized how incredibly slow they moved. How do they survive in the wild? They wear permanent smiles on their faces,
have the cutest bowl hair styles, and have the gentlest energy. Extremely fragile.
They are given long, tough claws and bristly outer hairs for protection.
Back to the hammock room to reflect… 24hrs after the ceremony, they allowed us to break our fast with salt and sugar. We are fortunate as some retreats don’t allow you to do that. We ate fruit, bread with butter and jam, even chicken. Divine… I think the diet is proving to be more challenging than the ceremonies themselves. Go figure; foodie.
I was told to connect with my inner-child for my third ceremony. “Connect with children, write books for children.” Don Lucho advised. I requested a bigger dose of Ayahuasca, it will give me a deeper cleanse and a more intense trip. I’m ready for my dark, rough, challenging, difficult experience.
I was sure I would have one. I need a massive spring clean.
I heal others for a living, and the healer needs healing!
The whistling started… then the Icaros with the Chacapas… I found myself in a bird’s nest… There were tiny freckled eggs around me; I was the first to hatch. A huge eye loomed in front of me. A bird of prey. Eagle? Hawk? Falcon? I don’t know… Then a flying owl. Then another bird of prey, dead. Blood spilled from it’s white breast. Aerial point of view of the Amazon river… women and children balanced on narrow bamboo planks on top of the water. How did these women manage to balance on these planks and work at the same time? Astounding. A paddling pool with murky water… sediments…
A woman, a cross between Jane Fonda from Barbarella and Raquel Welch from One Million Years B.C. emerged out of it. Who knows… Then I was having sex with what seemed like a Black man… when zoomed in, it wasn’t a man at all – but a jet black shadow. No face, no features. Just a solid shadow… hmm… interesting… I saw a bright green leaf suspended in the air.
Then it was carried off in the wind: I was the leaf.
Then I was dandelion being blown away… with dozens of other dandelions…
I had drank six big gulps of the medicine, out of the man bowl. How comes I wasn’t purging? I located the blockage: in my second and fifth Chakra… Maybe when I walk back to my room…
And sure enough, like a stumbling drunk, zigzagging my way back to my room – I tilted at the hip and vomited bile – again. It’s weird how it bypasses the food… a bunch of us, donning white, scattered around the jungle floor hunched over. It was a funny sight. And we laughed. We laughed loudly.
Maestro Don Lucho mentioned me being of a high frequency. Born into freedom as a bird. Transforming DNA. I was to abandon the human concept of materialism from time to time. Put aside jewelry, clothes, money, income. Connect with nature. Share wealth to create harmony…
Connect with my spirit…
Before I came to Peru, I thought having three ceremonies was… excessive. One would be sufficient. One would be enough. And now that I’m here, I really could do with a ceremony every night! One is not enough. I’ve done three… and what have I learned? I don’t feel I’ve shifted that much. The visions are great – but I wanna release… some gunk. Obstacles, limitations, fears, phobias. I know I shouldn’t have any expectations and everyone gets the experience they need. But what is it I need?
By now, colonies of mosquitoes have feasted on me. I am responsible for raising good, strong baby mossies in this jungle. My left hand; covered in seventeen bites. My left butt cheek; over forty. If anything, I’ve learned I cannot live in the jungle. I am just food for the insects. Dammit my friends were right. This fantasy has been firmly ripped out of my library of escape clauses. I can testify that these mosquitoes do indeed have yellow fever. My Caucasian friends and Black friend was not feasted upon like my mother and I. They do seem to prefer the female sex…
Days rolled into one another, time goes by slowly when lying in hammocks… it’s so good to go without wifi particularly in this setting. There is no escape in the jungle.
For my fourth and final ceremony… I was instructed to feel. “Do not expect visions, just feel. Have no expectations, let it go, let it flow. Ask that your and my culture never die. Let it grow here. Let Ayahuasca transform you. Give it your mind, give it your body. Forgive your father.”
Hm. Okay. And so, I let it go and let it flow… I dove into my feelings… I felt every emotion there was. Anger, sadness, grief, joy, bliss, happiness, confusion, chaos, awe – I felt it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And then; I felt nothing. Huh. I don’t recall ever feeling nothing before… it’s… different. So what now? I continue listening to the Icaros…
I see a field of green plants with tiny yellow flowers but the view is distorted. Why is it blurry? Then I realize I am inside a single drop of water, hanging off a leaf. Wow… how did I become so tiny? How did I manage to fit inside a single drop of dew? I see a ‘web’ made of chili pepper Christmas lights. My ex-husband’s father (who’s passed) pops in to tell me “He should do this. You should get him to do this.” I look through the mosquito net, out into the jungle. I see the trees form into a Mermaid kneeling with her back to me, with her hands up in the air. Then a Ginseng root/worm with arms and legs climbs up a wooden fence. It’s arms and legs climbs – it’s torso ripples up. A dragon’s claw pulls a crystal ball out of my stomach…
Don Lucho calls me up to his alter for a personal cleansing. I sit on a stool in front of him; his apprentice stands behind me. They sing and whistle and shake their leaves. His whistling enters my head, spirals down my neck and into my torso… A glass rod comes out of my core. I see my father, who’s passed. That’s right – I forgot about him… He sits there with a wide stance holding a cigarette in his hand. He nods to the floor in approval. “I have to release you,” I say. He nods again. “I have to forgive you and release you so you can ascend. My brother needs to release you too – but I’m going to release you.” He nods. Suddenly my chest is tight. I start to cry… “I forgive and release you.” My father starts crying too. We sit there crying together… “I’m sorry your life was so hard for you. That life itself, was hard for you.” He looks up and says “I’m sorry.” I knew he was… “I hope you have a better life next time round.” And with that, my chest opens up like a blooming flower and my forehead starts pulsating. I feel Don Lucho’s ring on my forehead. The Chakapas are fanning me. How lovely. Tears cascade down my face… and my father is gone…
My father hadn’t even crossed my mind when coming to Peru. But now that I’ve released him, I feel a big boulder has been extracted from deep within me.
Don Lucho smiled “Now you will find a nice man to marry and have healthy children.”
What?! I’m 40! I already have a child!
“You may have twins.”
We spent a night in Iquitos, before returning to the ‘concrete’ jungle of L.A… we were all sad to leave… something special was happening and we were saying goodbye to it. “The trick is to take it with you. Let it remain inside of you. Integrate it into your lives.” Don Lucho smiled.
He smiled a lot. “I have everything I need,” he’d say…
I left a piece of me in the Amazon… I returned to Los Angeles knowing I had gone through one of the most unique experiences of my life. And it didn’t even hit me till my last ceremony. Everything lead me to that moment… there were tears on the tuk-tuk, on the way to the airport.
Just like there is life before children, and life after having children… Ayahuasca is the same. There is life pre-aya. And life post-aya. With no turning back. What I learned, is when you look for the magic – it is there. That nature truly does provide. And that I will return to the jungle some day…
I have so much love around me. I should trust myself more. I am in awe at the magnitude of the infinite power… Pachamama.
Kaleidoscope neon psychedelic
Is everyone seeing what I’m seeing?
A whole other dimension, world, reality
I am body less, mind less, sex less, race less
Am I breathing?
I am human less
A diamond mosaic
turning spinning rotating
A thousand times more
Infinity and beyond
space and time
Beyond human mind perception
Music, designed to take, guide, manipulate, show
I am smiling, I am smiling
Yes, I am human in fleeting moments
Cartoons lego world
I don’t want to open them
Stay here like this
In magnificent awe
Has is been four hours?
What is my work? Show me
She is the Condor, she is the puma, she is the serpent
Oh now, you will see all the things you don’t want to see
The traumas of your life hard wiring your prison
Why, you signed up for this
this is your hell, welcome to hell
The suffering, the marriage, the divorce, the anger, the pain
Criticism, judgement, hardship, control, trauma, ego…
Raw, unfiltered, undiluted heartache, heartbreak, without philosophy
without enlightenment, without reasoning or intellect
Canon firing vomit over my hands. Body convulsions
My blanket – taken away
Cold sweat, on a brink of a seizure
I’m dying like this
A corpse lying in vomit with a broken heart
A shattered ego
bombarded with pain
You asked for this. You wanted this
“When does the music stop?”
“Soon.” She smiles. “Breathe, be patient, do the work.”
Head, lead balloon
Heart break makes the heart stronger…
Let it go
Let it go
The music is torture
I can’t breathe enough
Wait. Why are people dancing?
This is not romantic
Where’s my sense of humor?
“When’s the music going to stop?”
Like a Master turned slave
A Queen turned servant
I’m down on my knees
Where’s my redemption?
I paid for this
My soul screamed for this
8hrs later, the music stops.
Oh, God. The silence…
Broken, dissected, disjointed, unravelled
What happened, last night?
I died a thousand deaths… that’s right
Maybe you were exposed to toxic substances from within utero.
Or raised by one parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a group home or an orphanage.
Maybe you have no place to call home.
Maybe you experienced sexual abuse, rape, molestation; mental, emotional, psychological,
physical abuse growing up… Maybe you still do.
Maybe you were sick as a child or broke bones or went under countless surgeries.
Maybe you were bullied a lot and cried yourself to sleep or wet the bed consistently, plagued by fears and nightmares. Maybe you were afraid of the dark. Maybe, you have to sleep with the light on, radio on, TV on, clothes on. Maybe you’re afraid to be alone. Maybe your family fought all the time, or judged, blamed, criticized you. Ignored, abandoned, neglected, rejected you.
Maybe they were silent. Maybe you raised yourself. Maybe you hate yourself.
Maybe you were around abusive relationships and have attempted to end your life. Or have lost loved ones along the way, and live in devastation from a broken heart. Maybe your father wasn’t around or your mother was ill. Maybe you were the parent of the household.
Maybe you have self medicated, feeling like life didn’t matter,
that YOU don’t matter… Maybe in your eyes, you don’t have the perfect face, perfect body,
perfect soul. Maybe you have lost a limb or two, or one or two of your senses… Maybe in your mind, you don’t have the perfect partner, home, job, career, family, health, life. Maybe you feel far from perfect. And maybe you’re convinced you’ll never be happy or deserve a good life. Maybe you’re filthy rich because of this, or dirt poor because of it. Maybe money was used against you as a child. Maybe money was evil, or it was more important than you.
Maybe life seems like a long punishing road and you can’t shake off
your past – condemned to/controlled by your demons/memories… Maybe you feel you have no one to love or that no one loves you. Maybe you feel; misunderstood. Maybe you eat to fill an empty void. Or starve. Maybe you feel you have a lot of issues, too many to count… Maybe you’re incarcerated. Institutionalized. Maybe you’re depressed, manic, bi-polar, abusive, vengeful or full of rage. Maybe it’s difficult to be a human, life is hard, life is a struggle. Maybe there’s no hope… Maybe you have too many fears, too many phobias, too many things, not enough things, too many questions, not enough answers, too many voices, too much confusion, too much noise. And maybe… you are terminally ill. Maybe you think life is about punishment and suffering…
Maybe you were taught that.
Maybe your mother didn’t tell you “I love you.” Or “You are so special.” Maybe there was a war…
If you have experienced or suffered or survived any of this, all of this,
and you are still breathing: you are miracle. Yes, you.
You are: a miracle. And as a product of your childhood: you are a success.
“Despite everything that has happened: I survived, therefor:
As a PRODUCT of my childhood, I am a HUGE success.”